3 and a half years

It's been a long 3 1/2 years since John has been diagnosed with cancer. Lots of ups and downs!!! It's crazy to go back and think about all the things we have come across, choices we have had to make, and people who have helped us along the way.
What a blessing to live in this age where we were able to find out what John has and have the friends and family around us to support us through this journey.
I can't help but think back and remember how blessed we really are and how it feels like John has had cancer for a LONG time now. I don't really remember what it was like before. It's a part of us, it's a big part of my life.
I just keep thinking how I don't want to lose John and how hard it would be for me and my girls. As John just slowly gets sicker and sicker I try not to remember all the feelings and thoughts I had when my Dad was sick with cancer. I try to tell myself it's not the same, but I sure do know what it feels like to lose and miss someone that is so close.
It's almost been 13 years since my Dad died. I still miss him everyday and wish I could just call and talk to him and ask him what to do. I don't want to miss John like that too!
I wish there was someone who could tell us this will make John better, this is exactly what you should do. I wish we knew what the future held then we could plan accordingly. That's been one of the hardest things is having to wait and see what happens. I am not very patient but I have learned a lot of it!
So thankful for the gospel in my life!! Don't know what I would be doing without it. I am so thankful for the Savior and for his sacrifice for me, for John! I know John will be blessed and taken care of no matter what. I love my family and I am so grateful to be able to have the chance to be with them forever.

Cancer Will

A poem I wrote about John's cancer:

Cancer Will

Cancer will make me tired and weak

Cancer will change the future I seek.

Cancer will always put a damper on my life

Cancer will affect my girls and my wife.

Cancer will challenge my mental state

Cancer will scare me as I wait.

Cancer will put my life oh hold

Cancer will kill me, so I am told.

Cancer will NOT ruin my dreams

Cancer will NOT put out my light beams.

Cancer will NOT let me miss out on time

Cancer will NOT make me worry about a dime.

Cancer will NOT take away the life I have found

Cancer will NOT hold me down to the ground.

Cancer will NOT waiver my strong faith today

Cancer will NOT bring me down, there is no way!

Overwhelming

A little over a week ago, John went in for his routine Doctor's visit and treatment. He called me to tell me that the doctor had found more growth on his tumors in his lungs. The doctor gave him the options of Chemo, radiation down his throat, and going to see a lung specialist to do surgery on the biggest tumor and still do the Avastin that he was doing all year.
After that he gave John a few days to decide, we know that chemo does nothing for John's cancer, the doctor gave John 6-12 months to live with doing nothing, and said if he did the treatments that he would maybe live another year on top of that. Now we all know how miserable people are when there on chemo treatments. The doctor said that the treatments he is offering will not cure him, but might extend his life.
The week before my Mom had contacted this natural doctor and we were already talking with him about John before we found out the bad news. So as we continued to talk with him, we decided to try his methods for 6 months and opt out of the chemo.
This is a huge decision that wasn't taken lightly. We received our package from the doctor yesterday with all the natural remedies and John did some yesterday and is started full on today.
Just a little bit overwhelming, but we are determined to get John feeling better. He has been feeling sick for a long while now, tired mostly and headaches, body aches. He is uncomfortable almost all the time. He is doing such a good job at trying to stay positive, even though it's the hardest thing he is facing.
We don't need any more ideas for now, we are just trying to get going on this, and try to stay positive about it. I will put more about that on another post one day. :)
Thank you to everyone for your prayers, but keep them coming for John!! He needs them!